Agent House, CIA
by skipperZ
Summary: Right now this is a fragment. Basic premise is that Cuddy forces House to take a patient with only Psych symptoms. The patient turns out to be a CIA agent. ATM, this is what happens when she refuses to answer patient history questions. Please R&R.


Aiar, the patient, sits on her bed with teenage daughter Pao. Both are talking excitedly in Mandarin and laughing when House storms in.

"Who are you?" Pao asks.

House opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted.

"Agent Mulder! Where's Scully?" Aiar says with a smile.

House stops and gives Aiar a concerned and annoyed look before responding. "I-"

"Like I told the Lone Gunmen, if it's not in the file I can't talk about it," Aiar says, cutting him off again.

"Which one's Scully? The little doctor?" Pao asks, ignoring House and turning to her mom.

"No, she's Byers," Aiar says.

"I thought the cute one was Byers."

"No! The Aussie? He's Langly."

"No way! He's gotta be Byers."

"So you'd say _she_ was Langly? Why, because of the hair?"

Both laugh.

"Fair enough," Pao concedes.

House gets more annoyed, trying to interrupt. "I'm-"

Aiar finally gives House her genuine attention. "You're here to investigate a case that nobody else wanted and couldn't easily classify. You'll be postulating a technically logical but otherwise absurd theory to solve the case, which no one else agrees with, especially Scully, and will soon be proved wrong. You'll ammend your theory as truth becomes stranger than fiction, which everyone else will still disbelieve until hit over the head with the lab results or other stupidly obvious proof. You're Mulder. Except no aliens."

House considers her analogy, grudgingly agreeing. House then starts to speak, but is once again preempted

Pao, still talking solely to Aiar, says, "There could be aliens. Ooo, telepathic aliens!"

Aiar forgets about House again, getting back into the banter with her daughter. "Mind controlling aliens!"

"Oh, but you're immune, that's why."

"So I fight back? No, I try to expose the Truth!"

"And you find an ally in an unsuspecting but good-hearted policeman."

"No, no, it's gotta be a reporter."

"Ben Affleck!"

"Eww, no. Besides, then I'd be a white chick."

"Will Smith?"

"Better. But wouldn't that make me Halle Barry?"

"Nah, you could be-"

House, growing continuously restless through the nonsensical rambling, finally slams his cane on the bed, making both jump and look at him

"Hey!" Pao shouts.

"Attention Gilmore Girls! You are in a hospital." House glares at Aiar, at her. "That means you have to answer a question, even if you think it doesn't work with your current script! You're here so we can figure out what's wrong with you."

Aiar answerslike a Jeopardy contestant. "What is, what happens when seven of the nation's best psychiatrists and psychologists can't diagnose you with a mental problem. I'll take 'Stupid things the US government does' for 400, Alex."

House rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. "That doesn't mean-"

Aiar cuts him off yet again. "Look. You've got my files. Mostly blacked out, sure, but you've got what you're allowed to have. I answered every question your Lone Gunmen asked me that I could. I am legally obligated not to answer the rest."

House makes an impatient noise, then turns to Pao. "Get out of here, kid."

"Hey!" Aiarinterjects, angry. "She's my daughter. She stays."

House is unimpressed. "And the family resemblence was so striking."

Pao turns back to Aiar, feigning shock. "He means..."

Aiarfeigns guilt. "I wanted to tell you!"

"You're not my real mommy!" Both grab eachothers' arms, pretending to be crying.

Househas completely lost patience. "How old are you?" he asks Pao.

"Sixteen," Pao says, still giggling.

House turns to Aiar. "She's sixteen. What's your excuse?"

Aiar isunabashed. "I'm crazy. Best excuse for anything."

House rolls his eyes and regroups, turning to Pao. "Out."

"She stays." Aiar says firmly.

"Let me guess. You and your dear daughter have no secrets from each other."

"Of course I keep secrets from my daughter. I just have more secrets to keep from you than from her. So unless you can convince me that it'll help you in your diagnosis for me to describe in detail what my body goes through when I orgasm, my daughter stays."

Pao seizes the opportunity to start banter again. "You've had _sex_!" she says, feigning shock this time.

"Behave, young lady, Santa's watching," Aiar says.

That stops House, who pretends he's trying to be sly. "And how might I convince you of that?"

Pao still laughs uncontrollably. "You might have to give her something for her memory. She hasn't had sex since Katie left."

Aiar wasn't quite expecting that. "You were eight," she says, exasperated.

"I wasn't an idiot."

House realizes there's some actual fact here he doesn't know. "And Katie is..."

Aiar opens her mouth to answer, but Pao answers first, still laughing uncontrollably. "My other mommy."

Aiar sighs. "My lover."

"And this Katie was your biological mother?" House asks Pao.

Pao stops laughing, genuinely surprized. "No!"

"Pao's biological parents still live in China presumably," Aiar says. "Katie was just my girlfriend."

"She wasn't _just_ anything," Pao says, apparently annoyed.

Aiar nods sadly, House shakes his head clear, just realizing how far off track they got him. "You need to give us a patient history!"

Aiar shrugs. "You've got what I can give you. Unless you can convince the CIA to give you the appropriate security clearance, which, given your record and the fact that they haven't given it to the last four shrinks makes it unlikely at best. Then you'll have to convince _me_ that risking a lot of people's lives is worth the off chance that you might find something useful in my life, which given the fact that my life isn't even at risk makes that unlikely. Look, Doctor House, I'm gonna make a snap judgement, but I think it's accurate. You don't like the rules much. You probably think doctor-patient confidentiality is something only affects lawyers. I get that. I'm guessing this whole National Security rule isn't going to have much weight with you. But I have had more than a little experience in what happens when you disregard those rules. Sometimes they're worth breaking, sure. But not here. Definitely, definitely not here. As hard as a secret is to find out, it's even harder to keep. And I keep a lot of important secrets, although I shouldn't even tell you that. So no. I will not answer your questionaire so that you can rule out... South-east Sudan Eyelash Disease. Threaten me all you want. Threaten the CIA all you want. You've got your patient history. Now, if you want my permission for any procedure or test or even invasive operation, ask away. You'll get my permission, even if the spooks don't think you should. I'll even help you to convince them to pay for 'em. Tell me, doctor, what do you think's wrong with me? Any tests you'd like to try? Can you even think of a physical condition that would explain the once-a-day paranoia?"

House pauses before grudgingly answering. "No."

"I've tried telling them that. You and Cuddy probably tried telling them that. They're not going to listen to you unless you bury them in lab data. Run up their bill with expensive, impressive tests, dump the results on their heads, think up a shrink friend who needs a commission when theyinsist ona recommendation, and I'll be on my way, and you'll be on yours. Let it be a lesson to you in dealing with the Federal Government."

House, grudgingly convinced,admits defeat. "And you work _for_ them?"

"How do you think I ended up a teacher?" Aiar says with a touch of bitterness.

House turns to leave, but Pao thinks of something. "Oh, wait! Do we get to see Langly again?"

House stops, turning back. "Langly?" he asks, not amused.

"Doctor Chase," Aiar explains with an amused grin.

"Oh right. The cute one," he grumbles over his shoulder as he leaves.


End file.
